Friday, 25th October & "I Do Not Want To Write"

Surely I call myself  a Writer and writers do write but I really do not want to today because: I am tired, I am fatigued, I know the difference and that now scares me. OK, being tired means you exercised something, somehow, to a certain point and it tired you. Relax, recuperate, go again...Nope! I walked downstairs, made one cup of instant ( a way to limit intake before going out) and had four slices of schmeared cream-cheese 12-grain toast. That little bit is tiring especially since I had to go up-down again on the stairs. Count the trips on the stairs. Yes, verily, and until the last 12 - 6 months I would deliberately wind myself on multiple sets of stair-climbing.

     I saw my Doc - CRNP T. C. - because the narcotics for chronic pain are too cumbersome of my breathing and because I have a new pain on my lower front left rib?? WRONG. I have a progression of the pain caused by the aneurysm itself as the weight gain, 30+ pounds,yuck, presses against the aortic artery itself which is not just huge circumferentially but also traversely 10 centimeters, I think I quoted that correctly. Any way I quote this information it scares me and I just found out yesterday about the 10 centimeters and that's a a whole hell of a lot of damn centimeters, like this long a tleast _______________________________________________ and that's a lot of artery to be this wide ____________________. Jeepers, Yes, I am scared!!! and this presses enough on a rib cage to feel like a fracture!!!! Oops, did I say scared? How about RF Scared!? Ok, so the surgery is next Thursday the 31st, Halloween Day but I can think of better ways to be scared. Are there any neurotically human women out there willing to say, "hello how are you, how about coffee or dinner." That's my preferred level of fright because I know it's going to be trick and treat scary. Speaking of dinner how about a whole buncj of nice-minded folks go to Alchemy36 as soon as I can fit more than an appetizer into my diminishing appetite. another way to be scared: where is the weight gain coming from if I am not eating as much. OK, so ice-cream is high caloric intake and I cannot strenuously exercise but this has really gotten serious as to detrimental side-effects. When I have to turn down a bowl of ice cream with my six-foot, eleven inch height and put on 30+ pounds are you sure it's only an aneurysm. that's another side effect. Denial: I look at denial as also making up fears of other symptoms so that the Godzilla ailments are not quite so scary, "Oh, that's not the aneurysm that's something else I can deal with later." Which reminds me that I have two bulgin lumbar discs that brought all of this original pain problem to the surface. Any recommendations on whether to go for Hopkins for Spine & Rehab or try to get Kernan's and University of Maryland. I like the idea of Kernan's but if Hopkins already has my cardiology should I stick with them and have amy neurology also under their roof and care???
     I was going to close with a Poem but I cannot think of any particular...wait a minute..their is my favorite and my signature Poem...lem'me see if I can transcribe it here:

"AT TIMES, MY DOG VISITS"

At times, my dog visits
Where he has no home -
He shows his wide grin, sits in
Your favorite spot,
Looking for a friend, Perhaps
Also a brief rub or scratching -

He will not stay long,
Or, if he lingers,
He knows to go
When sent away...,

Except for me
He is quite
Alone.


Thanks for reading, I hope my stuff is not too gory in detail or needful in a self-pitying way. I have recently met some folks going through many other painful and or mortal medical difficulties and we are mutually supportive rather than...ok, we are needful of hugs and smooches also, but it is the attentions given to good old wonderful friendship that I believe we most value so, thanks for the friendship..., Tim Ward

Sunday, October 20: Another Poem

As my pen pauses the mind regards itself
In a long Autumn afternoon of light
That yet hurries as it shall not last
Like those lazed thoughts on summer's days
When I could gaze opposite the setting sun's rays
And still see well beyond the late evening's darkness
The paths that my love for you had taken in writing
Words that become shorter as winter nears
When we hurry to have our day done
That we might dream new dreams
These long nights we spend
Abed resting and loving
That we might rise
To love more
The next
Day.

- tim ward, sunday, october 20, 2013 @ 2:46pm, Barnes & Noble Johns Hopkins Bookstore

Sunday, October 20: An Autumn Poem

Do others dream as I do
On Autumn afternoons made for love
Of the brilliance of love
In the eyes of a beloved woman
As she paints stories of beauty
Across a horizon where paired hawks
Fly each within the orbit of the other
As they cascade wildly through the skies.

 - tim ward, sunday, october 20,2013 @ 13:9 pm @ Barnes & Noble Hopkins

"More Than A Cat's Purr Could Imagine"

The scratches started at her ankle. It had been a long day and a fair night of endeavours into cuddlesome lovemaking, more heartfelt I Love You's than grand finales to an overture by Tschaikovski. Yet we both fell long and lovingly into the first crisp, cool night of sleep this Autumn. My leg cramps in cold weather are most bothersome and everything with my legs during this arterial illness made them more so from the strain of not enough blood-oxygen to my hips, pelvis, legs, ankles and feet. We both usually slept lightly and I woke almost drunken from the night's deprivation of painkiller forgotten during our earlier repastes of each other's kisses into slumberous embrace. She woke long enough to sigh her bothersome lament at my ongoing dry toe inflictions upon her pearline and beautiful legs and simply said, 'you know what to do, I'm going back to sleep. I pondered a bit and decided this woman of few words meant for the ablutions to begin now rather than later when even in sleep she surely knew we were going swimming the last of the fall good days -brrrr, to her not me - and her legs would be then on display for all. I leave this sojourn at this point, to perhaps let you imagine how you might like the rest of our morning to have gone. A woman's legs are never fully appreciated until they have been carefully and with exquisite detail been massaged and caressed from toe-tips to the beginnings of belly and spine. She has her various ointments and such and these should be learned before one forgiven for not remembering the name of the cat who recently died while you were just dating and before the current nemesis of you attentions became a part of your beloved's life. The cat also should never be allowed in the bedroom while either lovemaking or body-care with creams are in progress. I was fortunate in this regard as she was basically allergic, though mildly, to cats and much annoyed by any interruption with claws as she was with toenails and with fur as she used these lotions and creams extensively on her allergy, sunburn, and of course, scratch sensitive skin. (We spent many loving days repairing the damage done by the holday pine tree which she insisted had to be put up no matter the scratches or pine resin allergy.) So, again, the scratches began at her ankles and instep and because of certain prior contortion even occurred high up on her well-curved haunches and derriere. The fulfillment of my first real test as the sensitive man she would keep around is evidenced by the Xmas tree story aforementioned and the fact that said tree did not come down until late the following spring. I worked a bit harder at my self-employment as a taxi-driver to gather and present the finest ointments to alleviate any and all affronts and injuries to these magnifecent legs and was often invited to soothe and provide only such succor after the relationship ended the following Independence Day Summer.

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 21, ANOTHER NEW POEM, 1ST DRAFT "A REFLECTION ON A HARVEST MOON" Saturday night during the rain Early in Autumn when we are not ready For Summer to be finished without A friend for a supper to say farewell By way of the early Harvest Moon As it speaks to us of what has brought us To this time of the year when she is full And we can lay back with our love Naked and full as we celebrate the bounty Of the seasons and our love joined as one. - Tim Ward, At Barnes & Noble Johns Hopkins Bookstore, 7;18 pm, Saturday, September 21, 2013

"A REFLECTION ON A HARVEST MOON"

Saturday night during the rain
Early in Autumn when we are not ready
For Summer to be finished without
A friend for a supper to say farewell
By way of the early Harvest Moon
As it speaks to us of what has brought us
To this time of the year when she is full
And we can lay back with our love
Naked and full as we celebrate the bounty
Of the seasons and our love joined as one.

- Tim Ward, At Barnes & Noble Johns Hopkins Bookstore, 7;18 pm, Saturday, September 21, 2013

TWO NEW POEMS ON SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 21...1ST DRAFTS

"Other Than That, I Love You"

I like you a lot and other than that
What I would like to say, love to say,
Like to tell you are many things about
How much you mean to me simply
Because you take the time to listen,
You smile when you talk and always,
Always remember what we last spoke of
And have something positive to offer
What i would like to know is do you
Believe that a guy like me starting over,
Might I be that man you are looking for?


~~~~~ and ~~~~~

"ROSES GAVE ME THE BLUES"

Roses are nice, red or any color
But they are a drag to deliver
The minimum wage and your tip
Just do not make up for my long walks
to the internal office of the boring office building
Where all of your co-workers yell, mine, mine, mine
They even answer yes to your name
Or offer to keep them on their desk
Because you and your boyfriend took the day off
While the poor schmuck, husband, lover, significant other
Sent flowers and you were called out to a meeting suddenly
Which held up about as long as the fragrance and kisses
That he left behind because you did not care enough to plan
The sweet lies that could have kept your rent-check going
For an anniversary that I delivered flowers from a different guy
The next year and subsequent years after that
And did I mention I am glad I lost that job?

- Tim Ward, at Barnes & Noble Johns Hopkins Bookstore, 6:05 Saturday, September 21, 2013

Another New Poem, Monday September 16, 2013

"I Love You And"

I love you and
Writing these poems of sorts
and other sorts and stories
Prolly might mean I am not
Going to write that love poem,
the one that only you shall know
It is all about you, it could only be
About you because
I love you more than anything else
And I would never hide
My deep, passionate abiding love
For you inside an ordinary poem
That only said I love life and am happy,
I am happy, I am happy, I am happy -
I am happy that you are inside my life
And one day I shall write a poem and
I shall put you inside the poem in the best places,
The places that say I love you and am happy and
I may end the poem also saying I love you
Because I want you to be everywhere when I look and say
I love you.

new poem...... - tim ward, and I felt like putting the 1st draft here on facebook on Monday, September 26, 2013 @ 2:51 because I told my therapist I was going to be happy and write a love poem and here it is and I am happy and AI hope this helps you be happy also, thank You for reading..., Tim Ward Baltimore Poet-Writer

1

New Post, New Lil' Ditty Poem, September 16

__________ "So go do fug'gin somethin'" _____

just sittin' and get`in a bit old, ha!
my doin' both the sittin' and the get`in
`cause you see if you wan'na stop get`in
old then you just plain got'ta start
get`in something and that's how
to stop bein' old
or-at-least-if`ya do-it-fast`nuff
you'll die doin' somethin'ya wan'na
do before
ya get old or get dead`n'can't-do
so go do fug'gin somethin'
and' stop`yer not doin' nothin!

thoughts on what I am gon'na do right after the aneurysm surgery
- tim ward, Monday, september 16, 2013 @ 2:34 PM, Tavern on the Hill Mount Vernon

SEPTEMBER 14, SOCIAL MEDIA AS FRIENDSHIP & CORRESPONDENCE

I have very amazing friends. Many of us have never met in the physical world. This venue, facebook, is not the virtual make-believe world that some folks declaim it as. I have come to regard our correspondence as one of the most valued aspects of my life. A current best budrow was met and a beautiful friendship made that has evolved to one of those most cherished life experiences that are so rare to come by. I thank you all for the well wishes during my medical adventures and look forward to our continued forays into all manner of friendship and the pleasures this brings to our lives..., Tim Ward Baltimore Poet-Writer

1966 Un-released "Just Like Me" - Joni Mitchell

I do not believe I have ever heard this one before. It certainly speaks to me as an anthem yet I can only imagine having heard or read of it. It is plain and simple enough to say it is good and it is beautiful:

"JUST LIKE ME"

He's so independent
He acts like he couldn't care less for us all
He's someone's descendent
Their child
But he'll never acknowledge their call
He's afraid to be loved
And I know he's afraid not to be
And he'll laugh and he'll cry
and someday he'll die
Just like me

Just like me
He's settling a score
With a world
That wants a reason
Every time you turn around
Just like me
He's looking for a door
Standing open, saying welcome
Come and lay your troubles down
Just like me

He'll drop his pretenses
You'll see through the stone to the heart of the man
But the moment he senses you've seen him
He'll leave you as fast as he can
He'll return to his shadows
Where no one can look in and see
And he'll wake in the night
And he'll cry like a child
Just like me

Just like me
He's settling a score
With a world that wants a reason
Every time you turn around
Just like me
He's looking for a door
Standing open, saying welcome
Come and lay your troubles down
Just like me

I've seen him look hungry for someone
To tell him "You're doing just fine"
The songs that he's sung me
Have loneliness woven between every line
With no strings to hold him
I guess he could call himself free
Yes, he's free to be empty and lonely and wrong
Just like me

Just like me
He's settling a score
With a world that wants a reason
Every time you turn around
Just like me
He's looking for a door
Standing open, saying welcome
Come and lay your troubles down
Just like me

DAY 11 - POST ANEURYSM DISCOVERY POST

DAY 11, post-aneurysm post: I am @  Tavern on the Hill Mount Vernon and it is an ok spot...FREE WIFI, Ok food, coffee, diet cola, and the atmosphere and ambience is alright, a bit much perfume from the nearby women but that's almost anywhere and if I decide to change venue the Enoch Pratt Free Library is a short bus ride/hike away...I just do not feel like writing. I should go back and call this DAY 11 of the post aneurysm postings. I have had my regular zen meditation//psycho-therapy and expressed the frustration of not being in control and though lifelong morbid//suicidal this is not what I have ever had in mind as regards checking out at my own discretion. I have invested quite a bit in the last few years and decided to stick it out for a few more decades writing poetry, living easily - I hope - and hopefully also settling down to a committed relationship with the girlilla-my dreams...,
    I think this is a good place to pause and possibly come back later this afternoon if I have more to say. there is quite a bit on my mortality laden mind and my first meditation-therapy in 3 weeks needs a bit//lot more contemplation as to where and how I go and get there post surgery from these vascular adventures...,
     Meanwhile I just have not written much poetry or stories or such and I do hope to get back to that soon... thanks for reading..., Tim Ward Baltimore Poet-Writer

ANOTHER NEW POEM IN PROGRESS:

"poets, lovers, and love"

It is because of what I say,
You say, that you listen
To what I read, to what I write.

Because you listen, and then
You tell me what I have said
I say things that I cannot emote.

I am not so bold
As you may tell yourself,
As I hear you introduce the poet to others.

Were I that man,
The poet, the writer I have written,
would you rather love me than to talk of poetry?

I am not so old
That I have forgotten how to love
What I recall is inspired by you, not just your youth.

Is it because of what I say,
That you listen, or do you love
The poetry or that man I am when I speak?

Am I a man so bold,
So young as to be a poet who writes of love,
May I yet be both the lover and the love?

Will you then be so bold,
As my poems and the poem asks of you
may you yet be both the lover and the love...?

...... - tim ward, Barnes & Noble Johns Hopkins Bookstore, 5:54 pm, Saturday, August 31, 2013.... I ain't finished with this one yet...daggone love poems are difficult to think while writing...,

Day Two & Day Three (following): 24 hours after leaving Johns Hopkins Hospital and arriving home I feel pretty darn good about the impending abdominal aneurysm surgery. I have so many aches and pains as a result of these two herniated lumbar that it is good to know there is a major other source to pains. It confirms my description of feeling like my legs, butt, feet were not getting enough oxygen, as when you might cramp up while swimming or in the middle of the night. This is a result of an occlusion the the vessels next to the aneurysm but as long as the doctors say it is eminently" do-able" though in an old-school open surgery, well, I am happy to be rid of the pain. And! I am also happy to be free of a life threatening condition even if it did come a coupl'a years earlier than fore-cast back in `09. If not for the lumbar disks I may have not found out, Ka-boom! in time for anything other than a painful death so there is the relief that forbids me fear...I am safer now than I have been in ...who knows when it developed to this diameter of danger.Soooo, with that good cheer, to me and I print it here to allay the fears others have expressed, I shall bid y'all a very good night's peace, fun, and sleep. Any literary or entertainment suggestions away from the HarborPlace festivities please feel free to commednt them here or post on my wall if they are of the nearby literary sort..., PEACE, BE`WELL and GOOD NIGHT..., Tim

Day Three: So, just as yesterday I spent a lot of time resting because, well, pain is painful and fatiguing, and I had a lot of Hospital time/stress to think over and calm down about. Today I spent much of the day, Midnight - 1:00 p.m. today, also resting/sleeping because the pain/stress/insomnia/dreams kept me up `til 5:00 a.m. Almost e very extra twitch/spasm/ache on my left rib to pelvis side is now become a worry that the aneurysm shall explode or is on its way to leaking. I have been told by the doctors that the pain is excruciating when it goes and to watch for any changes, soooo, are the changes mild before they become excruciating? Hmm, I hope not to find out. I believe I should call my Primary Physician asap Tuesday the 3rd even if I have to buy the coffee and danish. good enough reason for a danish anyway and I do have to pick up medicines right there at the Clinic. If this is read by anyone anytime soon give me a comment on how not to be freaked out. I do NOT suppose that is entirely possible since the extra aches and pains of the two lumbar disks and their concomitant pains are constant and the difference is hard to discern especially while sitting. Sooo, I guess I shall just have to try to be reasonably scared and tolerably patient while attempting to "zen the pains and fears" into a part of everyday existence..., ANY IDEAS...,

Wow! if I were not such a piss-headed grump i might actually write this on cardboard and bake it into burnt humble-pie! really. Two days in a row, and i am not going for three, I have been negatively reactive to the point of personal rudeness to friends and the company of my peers. and the piddling somewhat excusable reason for this attitude of anger and frustration with the world as it happens around me. DRUGS. Yup! Yes. Yeah, good old narcotic pain medication. A slip in my regimen is the opposite of an addicts slip in one sense. I need a narcotic to take the edges of chronic pain and its exacerbated flare-ups. There actually is not much other difference though I do emphasize that there is no intoxicating 'high' or euphoric buzz and thankfully no trips to the land of Nod though that is a hazard without, again, the trippiness of opium. So, if anything i have said, written, or done other than my response to two distinct individuals that I know of has occurred then please accept my humble-pie apologies and know that I have taken recourse to ensure that my medication is appropriately managed..., thanks, Tim Ward Baltimore Poet-Writer

I would tell`yas to give me a call if I knew how to answer the new phone. I plugged it in next to the bed hoping it nmight kiss me good night as it seemed to promise to do everything else I could imagine. I suppose I shall eventually get the 'hang' of it but so far I have hung up on the few folks I have tried to call. forget about texting...or, rather I did and budrow Fernando thinks it will not take too long to re-tutor and relearn. Well, the cell number is 443-531-4412, please do not call without a dern good reason as it shall be changed with a wrath known only to mine enemies and we are all friends. Good. Oh, and my gmail is timturtlward@gmail.com. All this shall eventually be in the proper places in my profile as I learn how I wish to organize things. Meanwhile, if you are a woman of uncommon patience and a good heart I am accepting free tutorials. I'll buy the coffee and tapas if you have the patience..., Tim

I am sure I would have loved to share in the memories of August 25, 1963 if I had gone to Washington D.C. this past Saturday (the 24th of August 2013). I admit to an hard-edged cynicism that colors almost all of what I do and believe in living my life honestly. With this precoursing thought I give you the following poem written after seeing the news coverage of Washington's event and after riding the bus two days that weekend in Baltimore where I have lived all of my life. I wish this was not such an everyday banality but in this city that I love it is said and done quite often with a much harder and angrier attitude than even my cynicism can engender.

My poem of course pales next to a master of language and life such as Countee Cullen :

Modern Incident In Baltimore, August 25, 2013"

I ride the bus in Baltimore

On this august weekend of remembrance

For the man who died from hate

And all I hear are words

That I was raised to never use

As people of darker skins than me

Curse one another for being

The people of the color that they are.

With sincere apologies to Countee Cullen,

-t.j.ward, August 25, 2013 fifty years later

Incident

               

Once riding in old Baltimore,

Heart-filled, head-filled with glee,

I saw a Baltimorean

Keep looking straight at me.

Now I was eight and very small,

And he was no whit bigger,

And so I smiled, but he poked out

His tongue, and called me, 'Nigger.'

I saw the whole of Baltimore

From May until December;

Of all the things that happened there

That's all that I remember.                        

- Countee Cullen

As always, thank you for reading..., Tim Ward

I am going to try to post a link to buzzfeed re: 32 books that are life changing. "CAT'S CRADLE" by Kurt V. definitely had a most positive influence on my then 16 - 19 age era. I would not ever wish to have not discovered Vonnegut as early as I did. There are books in this list I have been meaning to read such as  Haddon's re: a disassociated mind. I have not even finished perusing this compendium and hope to put it here so that I may take my time. Well, here goes :
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/books-that-will-actually-change-your-life

NEW POEM, Sunday, August 18, 2013 : "Dancing On A Sailboat"

Sunday, august 18, 2013 @ 2;32 p.m.

let me try this. Instead of google docs I'll go straight to the blog to transpose and hopefully give the last few tweaks to a poem I have been working on. I love to do this on facebook as it seems to give me the extra added stress needed to do good and not too much at the same time. Somehow, even though folks can read my blog (I am still learning about privacy and may allow only this or that in the future???) it seems to be less stress to do well and not have to be perfect...here goes :

__________ "DANCING ON A SAILBOAT" __________

I had wanted to learn
                                  how to sail a boat

Such as those with small cabins
                                                  above open decks
for sleeping, dreaming, and loving

~~~~

I had wanted to learn
                                   how to swim rivers

For travelling, adventuring, and drowning

and for living and learning how not to drown

~~~~

I had wanted to learn how to dance
                                                        out in the open air

In company, with lovers, and then only with you

~~~~

I had wanted to learn
                                  how to love

My family, friends, lovers, a wife

In real life, neither while sleeping nor while dreaming

~~~~

I am learning how to dream while awakened

I am now swimming in rivers and not drowning

I shall dance on those boats of my dreamings

I shall sail on rivers while adventuring

 I shall live out my life loving you.

                    ~~~~ finish

Well, I hope y'all like it and i am going to try to copy this fast enough to paper to take to Minas Gallery for a reading at an open microphone session which also features Baltimore Poets : Clarinda Harriss, Michael Salczman and Steven Lehva. These are some fine judges, and friends, of good writing so let me see how ai measure up and gain some good advice..., thanks for reading..., Tim                                              

Turtle & the Iroquois Creation Story

Creation Story

Hi Y'All

Please allow me to start off folksy. I shall get around to all of the biography and other such matters of interest later on. Just now I wish to start by thanking some of the folks of tremendous talents and hearts as big as The Chesapeake Bay where we all live in this State of Maryland. So thanks first of all, Fernando 'The Wordpimp' Quijano III, Cynthia Gaver, Clarinda Harriss, Megg Magee, Alan Reese, Julie Fisher, Jessica Lynn Dotson, Marie Abate, and of course many, many others. Thank You All `n much Love to All of You. Though I have attended literary events off and on for many years it is the most recent four years that I have devoted myself to writing and reading and most of all listening. Poetry and short stories are my favorites and they were meant to heard aloud. Thank you for sharing yours and allowing me to share mine. In that spirit here are the first and a near first composition that I read aloud with the encouragement of you, my friends and fellow writers.

"AT TIMES, MY DOG VISITS"

At times, my dog visits
Where he has no home -
He shows his wide grin, sits in
Your favorite spot,
Looking for a friend, Perhaps
Also a brief rub or scratching -

He will not stay long,
Or, if he lingers,
He knows to go
When sent away...,

Except for me
He is quite
Alone.


&~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"LOVE IS SOME-THINGS, MUCH"

I say,
         "Me, I've got nothing much to have,"

Yet my some-things are always here to share,

In life I'll not get far it seems.

I've only my love to offer,

Troubles, if you want the bother.

I say,
        "Me, I've got a lot to share."

 Please look for me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/timturtlward